Aftermath…my heart right now

Two posts for the price of one today!

Previously, I’d written of some heartbrokenness that I’ve experienced over the past couple of months, due to my over-eagerness, a kind of slack man and a flat-out dishonest man. (yes, those are two separate men)  It wore me out, I tell you.  I spent so much time experiencing an inordinate amount of stress, crying needlessly, losing sleep – and weight.  Not okay. (Soon, I’ll remember how to link to those posts.  For today, I’ll just ask that you scroll down.  🙂  )

Only through the Lord’s grace have I been able to (more or less) bounce back from these “almost” relationships.  The hurt is still there, but not in an all-consuming way. It’s more behind the scenes now.

So, I was reading this blog post, http://hisnotsosingleladies.com/2011/11/25/heart-process/, (again, forgive the link).  It got me to thinking about how much focus I’ve placed on desiring and trying to find a relationship.  Of course, I ultimately want to be found, but even then, there’s the element of finding someone to find me.

Currently, I’m trying to put myself into a process of not trying to find someone to be found by.  I can’t say that if I am found during this time, that I will decline – if I feel that the Lord is leading the guy to me.  I probably won’t.  It’s just that I am trying my best not to manipulate things.  The Lord  doesn’t need my help. (I have to keep reminding myself of that.)

Not that I’m against online dating – I seriously am not – but I’ve even recently refused an awesome offer to get back onto eHarmony.  The special they usually run is 3 months for $19.95/month, billed in one installment.  I don’t like this special.  This time, they were offering 3 months for $14.95/month, billed monthly.  Much better! I was so excited and planned to take advantage of the offer.  I had 5 days to decide, and ended up not doing it.  For some reason, I just felt that would undermine my attempts not to think about relationships and singleness all the time.  I’d also probably be stressing about this guy and that one.  NOT what I want Uh…clearly…

May I just say this: while it has helped some, I am NOT completely okay with this new state of being.  In fact, I still concentrate quite a bit on being single.  I mean, all but three of my co-workers are married, and one of those is engaged.  And most of them are couples under age 30.  I LOVE my co-workers, but it sure serves as a constant reminder.

Instead of stressing out about a guy right now, I’m trying to find more security in my relationship with the Lord.  Thankfully, He remains steady and constant in His love for me.  It’s me that has doubts, misunderstanding and confusion.  I need to rest in Him and trust Him completely with my life.  Technically, I do, but do I live it out in my thoughts?  Not really.  God says not to worry, but I am a professional worrier.  If only I could get paid to worry…

Hopefully, the Lord does have an earthly man in mind that he will prompt to pursue me to the point of marriage – and even pursue me after marriage.  It does not seem to be anywhere on the horizon right now.  There doesn’t even seem to be a horizon at all.  Is that incredibly frustrating and disappointing?  Why, yes! Yes, it is  But as I told my friend this evening, “God knows what He’s doing.”  And His best is what I want – even if (gulp) that I will remain single.  He’s got A LOT of heart changing to do, if that’s the case.

So, right now, I’m in a place of not looking, but still kinda looking – and longing.  I’m not gonna lie.  I just want to be okay.  As long as the guy is not there, I don’t want to feel such disappointment and loneliness.  I want to focus on the growth that the Lord wants me to experience.  I want to be so filled by the Lord that there is no room for that loneliness.  It won’t likely make me forget my deep desire for human companionship.  For that one human relationship that is so unique, much closer, and requires more work than any other (I bet).

Does this mean that I do not feel like a complete person right now? No.  Do I feel like I don’t have any areas of ministry?  No, because I definitely do.  I know that I am a woman of great worth(aren’t we all?), who has tasks to do and people to love – both given to me by the Lord.

I cannot promise that this topic will not be re-visited.  It definitely will.  🙂

Lord, help me to be the woman that you have created me to be.  Help me stay on the path that you have laid out for me.  Help me wait and not fear.  

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